Is Your People Pleasing Personality Killing Your Relationship?

Hi, my name is Natasha and I am a recovering people pleaser. I was never happy with myself, painfully insecure, and more than anything… I just wanted to fit in and be liked. Recovering from the disease to please has been one of the most difficult paths to remain on. Because of this, you end up becoming a magnet for toxic relationships. Start little by little — when you feel the pleasing coming on, remind yourself that you are enough, just as you are. When you decide to close the door on your disease to please, everything changes. They can no longer get away with door matting you because you no longer doormat yourself. Overcome your fear of looking into that window. You need to get more worried about the effects your drained self-respect and the diminished respect that others will have for you than you are scared of deviating from your people pleasing programming.

The People-Pleasing Pattern

But dating a people pleaser is on a whole other level. In the midst of trying to make and keep everyone around them happy, the people pleaser oftentimes sabotages their own goals and desires — including their romantic relationship. The Kelleher International matchmaking team explores the ins and outs of dating a people pleaser. Consider this advice for handling your romance if your partner prioritizes the needs of family, friends, or coworkers over your relationship.

The following points highlight the reason behind a people pleaser or a caretaker Newer PostHow can you tell if you are dating a narcissist?

Being liked by others, especially in my personal life, came at the expense of voicing my true feelings and needs. It was more important to be liked than it was to have relationships that felt honest and nourishing. Unsurprisingly, this can lead to a hell of a lot of resentment. The flipside of this, of course, is that I was quick to avoid people who immediately cared for me, and who offered their love freely and readily.

I was more likely to run from someone genuinely caring than I was from someone who treated me poorly. I avoided the people who gave me the kind of love I wanted, because it scared me, and I was sure that I would disappoint them with time. So instead, I threw myself at the people who were inconsistent or withdrawn, because I found their distance to be safer, more believable, and in some ways, more fulfilling. Each time they finally reciprocated, it felt like a special kind of reward, reserved especially for me.

I was more concerned with approval than honesty. I would rearrange myself for a person if it meant these distant, withholding people might love me back. People-pleasers are more than eager to offer someone whatever it is they want — praise, attention, investment — to feel valued, while controlling folks thrive from the safety they feel from being able to offer or revoke their affection at any time.

If You Want Better Relationships, Stop Being a People-Pleaser

Once you know your dating energy, you can easily begin to see your patterns and sabotages so you have some CONCRETE things to start doing differently so you can finally see some change in your love life. Think of these dating energies as archetypes, kind of like Sex and the City archetypes. Are you the Carrie, the Miranda, the Samantha or the Charlotte?

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Being a people-pleaser might sound like a good thing; the problem lies with the motivation behind As much as people-pleasers might do nice things for others and may appear What It’s Like To Date After Domestic Abuse.

Are you a people pleaser? I was! In fact, growing up, I majored in pleasing others. So I worked at being indispensable. My pattern of over-giving had great benefits—or so I thought. All my relationships were one-sided: me the giver of time and favors and others happy to receive my generosity. It didn’t even occur to me to question this imbalance in my relationships; in my mind, that was simply the way the world worked. I never said no to a request.

And I was continually overcommitted, overwhelmed, feeling rushed and exhausted—and miserable. Then one day, I noticed a recurring theme in my life: resentment. What most often followed my giving was resentment. Did over-giving equal feeling resentful?

Are You a People Pleaser?

It is true that opposites attract. People who like to please are frequently drawn to people who like to control others. Pleasers have certain personality characteristics that are developed in childhood. Pleasers often, but not necessarily come from unhappy homes with high conflict or emotionally distant parents.

Usually, because of a long history of emotional neglect and conditional love dating back to childhood, people pleasers fear conflict.

No one has more than 24 hours in any given day. So you say yes to baking all day and no to playing on the floor with your toddler. You say yes to leading Bible study and no to your neighbor who needs some one-on-one discipleship. You say yes to planning the bazaar and no to quality time with your spouse, or Jesus, or that project that you really wanted to do just for you.

But this keeps us on the proverbial hamster wheel, constantly spinning and going and striving, but getting nowhere. Nowhere in our relationships and nowhere in our self-development.

The Runway

Choosing a life partner is one of the most important decisions you will ever make in your life. Over a mere 30 years, say you were married from age 30 to age 60, you would most likely raise children together, and vacation together. Marriage can be amazing with the right person and can be hell on earth with the wrong person.

People-pleasers are the kindest people. They work with everyone, make few demands, and are always willing to give an ear or a hand. It doesn’t.

People-pleasing is a strong trait of the youth. But how far would you go to please someone else? And what would you be willing to give up just to make others happy? And most importantly, does this youthful trait exist within you even now? A people pleaser is a person who gives a lot of importance to pleasing others. And in the process, their primary intention is to be liked and appreciated in return by the people they try to please.

Almost all of us try to please someone, in the hope of getting a favor back in return from them someday. But an overeager people pleaser has no principles that explain where the boundaries of pleasing others stop. The other kind of people pleaser is the kind where they try to help someone all the time or constantly compliment others, in the hope of getting the same treatment back from their friends. In both these types, the underlying reason is the same, low self confidence and low self esteem.

They need attention and care, and will do anything or say anything to get it. People pleasing is not bad.


Top definition. People’s pleaser. Someone who’s always nice, helpful and a basic moral support for just about anyone. Suppresses his or her own needs in order to please or satisfy the needs of others. The people’s pleaser won’t bother you with his or her own needs and problems, as this person is too keen on helping out others. Great danger of being used in the negative way!!

They struggle with loyalty.

Some might say there are two kinds of people in our world: givers and takers. From this perspective, people pleasers would appear on the surface to be givers. They seem to have only positive qualities: accommodating, kind, generous, thoughtful, etc. However, pleasing can also be a way to influence others in order to win approval, acceptance, safety, stability, and love.

They avoid it at all costs—usually at a high cost to their self-esteem and psychological health. Often if there is conflict in their lives, they believe the conflict is their fault and experience strong feelings of having failed to prevent it. People pleasers will go to great lengths to make others in pain around them feel better while ignoring their own suffering. Many of our behaviours are learned from the family systems of our childhood. Unhealthy family systems tend to be closed and rigid, featuring multiple unspoken rules about how family members should interact with each other and with the rest of the world.

Much of the time, people pleasers start off their lives being parent pleasers—attempting to manipulate an emotionally unavailable parent into providing nurturance.

10 Reliable Indicators of a People Pleaser

They are easy-going, nice to be around and never complain…to your face. The pleaser has plenty of friends who always know they can count on her whenever a crisis arises. She makes a great employee and will put in extra time and effort because she thrives on accolades from her boss and co-workers. This persona of being a pleaser is not your true self, it is merely a mask that your ego created to protect you from other people.

When I started dating the man I’m currently with, we had an feeling and fall into the role of people pleaser (as I’d done so many times before).

Subscriber Account active since. Your mind works in strange ways when you’re a people pleaser. For most of my life, I have worked within a certain ideology: If I can make someone feel happy, I have value to them. The issue is that I have also worked within the ideology of the converse: If someone’s not happy with me, I have no value to them. I am useless. It wasn’t easy for me to have friends growing up. Having them was the difficult part.

There is a big difference. Making friends in school was as simple as sitting next to someone in class. Actually maintaining a friendship sometimes felt like someone tied my hands and feet and threw me in a pool.

10 Signs You’re a Chronic People Pleaser—and How to Stop

Nor are people-pleasers compromising. People-pleasing differs from accommodating someone though we rather not, because we value the relationship and know that compromise is necessary to sustain it. Their behavior has become a lifestyle. Everyone starts out in life wanting to be safe, loved, and accepted. This works for a while.

(Click here to take the quiz on “Am I Dating a Commitment Friendly Man?”) 3) Giving could be not having sex with your man at all this time, rather than laying there.

I see a huge problem among us women, especially when women are in a relationship. This problem is the problem of pleasing all the time. Part of this comes from not really understanding the difference between pleasing and giving. And more often than not, truly giving to someone is counter-intuitive. And many women mistake pleasing for giving. The trap: Your own feminine mindset.

What is valuable to men in a relationship is not the same as what is valuable to women. In your relationship, being a pleaser is a very quick way to destroy the attraction. Most of us would just rather ignore the loss.

People Pleasers as Romantic Partners

Stylerunner’s online magazine dedicated to the news you need to know about 2. They will back down as soon as there is a whiff of conflict so as not to upset someone. People pleasers tend to have more unequal and insecure relationships and tend also to be prone to mental health issues such as depression and anxiety. Usually, because of a long history of emotional neglect and conditional love dating back to childhood, people pleasers fear conflict.

They believe that any disagreement will cause rejection and that they will lose the love or respect they want unless they agree or give in.

Many people-pleasers confuse pleasing people with kindness. When discussing their reluctance to turn down someone’s request for a favor, they say things like, “I​.

Last year, I went on a ten-day work trip to Europe with a coworker who also happened to an ex. My boyfriend at the time was … concerned. My ex and I had a job to do together, and we, of course , would have to speak during that time. Really, how could pleasing people be bad? In turn, it hampers true intimacy. They frequently say yes when they should say no. They can also often be great chameleons, blending into any social environ.

Lastly, they will go to great lengths to keep others happy, which usually means they resort to dishonesty and deception. The best way to explain a people-pleaser is this terrifying little quote:. I was a people-pleaser for long time. People-pleasing was one of my many survival tools growing up. I also people-pleased in my first marriage , trying to say the one thing that would convince my ex-husband to be nice, not be shitty, seek help, or whatever else it might be.

My partner is not one of my abusers, but I was using people-pleasing to try to control him, to prevent him from having feelings he should have had.

15 Traits of People Pleaser Syndrome (in 15 minutes)

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